Croydon Hockey Club

Worthington is having a cracking year, often going for the most dramatic of shots to secure her newspaper headlines. Her surprise surprise finishes are causing devastation to the opposing team, and her oft ill-designed pink underwear causes devastation to the Captain. No one else seems so bothered.

Thomasson's cool demeanor is illustrated perfectly when she scores cracking goals to take the game. With a flick of her jet black hair she nonchalantly jogs back to the halfway line. If I could turn back time I would request more jumping in the air and the word "gooooooooaaaaaaal" to escape her mouth. In addition I should mention that Thomason has other resemblances to Cher other than her black hair. Her singing tops Cher's two-fold as demonstrated at the Christmas social. Mime much?

Chalk doesn't believe she can score goals. I've yet to ask her whether she maintains that line after her reverse stick flick between the goalies pads against Wimbledon. Chalk's fiery spirit accurately reflects Bullock's and it's arguable but her shout of "remember last week" fired the team so much that they delivered a 4-2 victory over Wimbledon. Keep the cheerleading up Miss Congeniality.

Dawson has been bullied this season. It's not pretty to watch. But watch we did. It's upsetting to see a person of Dawson's stature be knocked over by little pip-squeaks barely out of braces at Tulse Hill and Dulwich. Still, Dawson's look of disbelief was followed by the elbows out and the pounding of the ball up the pitch. Paltrow and Dawson are much alike, but I'm sure Dawson's ability to organise a quiz with the likes of the vacant lot at Croydon hockey club far exceeds Paltrow's ability to organise her next film (who is she, where is she?).

Howell is a top organiser pre-game. Should you need to blow your nose, eat a wine gum, or anything else essential before playing hockey, Howell is your girl. Like Kath, nothing gets in her way when she is organising and whilst Howell is missing her "great hunk of spunk" some top tips were acquired in her Christmas prize of the My Guy annual. No one fails to "look at me, look at me……" when Howell is on the ball. From back line to top of the opposition's D, Howell is happy to cover the pitch. We've yet to get Howell on the goal-scorers list however await the Kath-like dance moves when she does!

Loxton is new. And afraid. Very afraid. Like Johansson, Loxton is suffering from "Lost in Translation" since joining Croydon. Who can blame her with the various nicknames and banter to contend with. In addition, Loxton has been tasked with covering most positions on the pitch. Unfortunately for the Captain, she has delivered in all areas, which makes placing her more permanently particularly difficult. Still, we'll try the goal-keeper position and see where we stand!

Burke is having a cracker of a season, much like her celebrity look-a-like. She throws herself in all directions. And then gets up! Whether she will manage to do that after the Christmas celebrations is questionable. Like Sharon Osbourne, or should I say the Waltons, Burke has introduced her family to the game, and the mini-Burke's have slowly taken to it. A big salute to the Captain of the Ladies Thirds.

Phillips resemblance to Ozzy is astounding. This was pure genius for whoever found this lookalike. With her JD demands and roll-up in her mouth, Phillips is an unusual sight on the pitch. Taking a new position this year, Phillips has found her niche. With her weaving runs, ball stuck to her stick Philip's often astounds the opposition. No umpire has yet noticed her hip flask!

Butt fulfils the role of Sweeper incredibly effectively. Her sweep of the stick takes all in its path, and she is quick to swipe the ball out of the danger area. Resemblance to Kath's daughter Kim is fleeting yet apparent. However I should add that Howell has not given birth to Butt (just to clear that up). More than once Butt has used alternative methods to keep the ball out of the goal, and her heroic antics has often left bruising. We salute her bravery.

Sant has an alternative approach to hockey. Her squealing and giggling is an unusual style but comes with an obvious distraction to the opposition. Sant is a determined player, and like Geri, God forgive you if you get in her way. However unlike Geri, her quiet perseverance is much admired. We big up saucy Santy.

Hall is the shepherd of the team, herding us with her training techniques (see, a festive connection). Her training ladder has improved the team's quick toes significantly. Hall and Moore share a grand love for Bruce Willis, and it is only mildly litigious to say that Hall is known to stalk Willis on his occasional ventures to Britain. Hall owns the four-legged mascot of the team. And I own the 2 legged mascot of the 4 legged. Neither is watching the hockey!

Walters is an unusual animal. Always found on the sideline watching, sometimes barely visible through all the layers of clothing, always pacing, always shouting (sometimes obscenities!), sometimes providing chocolate incentives (yummy). The Lili Buffet chocolate incentive scheme was tried out on youth offenders who graffiti phone boxes before Walters brought it to the Croydon ladies 1's. Unsurprisingly it has had the same effect. Made us all fat!

Anderson has many things in common with her celebrity, including her bust,golden locks, rock n roll lifestyle - not to mention her taste in men! So taken is she with her celebrity status she wears her own designer underwear along with garter and protective knee pads for when she gets in her favourite position. After a number of years as Vice Captain this is Pammy's first year as Captain. She leads from the front (as close to thepost as possible) and likes to race as fast as possible up the left wing to see if her team are fit enough to keep up with her. Like all celebrities she likes celebrating and winning an award or two - the recent chocolateincentive scheme from Walters has certainly kickstarted the goal scoring. More goals please Pammy/Darcy!

Buckley has flown into the Croydon side with great aplomb and integrity. If that wasn't worrying enough she has also demonstrated an intelligence whilst having possession of the ball. Fortunately this is a rare disease and will no doubt be extricated by other team members. Her dexterity on the ball has won her fans, and POM votes and, at the end of the season, she is looking to add a rare metal next to her mantelpiece full of kryptonite. According to Wikipedia Wonder Woman is a 6-foot-tall Amazon wielding a golden lasso thatforces adversaries to tell the truth. So many jokes so little time!

Forshaw looks like Barbie and has significant fitness, all of which has won her no friends in the ladies 1's. However her immense likeability has ensured she has overcome these faults, and her versatility on the pitch and ability to pop the ball in the back of the net when given half a chance has secured her place. Forshaw has come from a strange place a long way away and where they speak funny, and it's my suspicion that she is encouraging an invasion (an unidentified foreign body was spotted at the Xmas dinner). Still, if the invasion consists of more Forshaw's Croydon ladies will be plenty happy.