Croydon Hockey Club

Get to know the Mens 1's with the following player profiles...

Mens 1st XI Profiles

Nickname: Radders
Position: Right Back. Please nowhere else. Please.

A gifted leader of men, our handsome leader inspires his troops with Churchill-esque rhetoric. As a player he is supremely talented and the 'Tunbridge Turn' is an oft copied manoeuvre. Off pitch he is an extremely popular man and rarely has to buy his own beers. A God amongst men, he is also writing these profiles...

Jon regularly works 658 hour weeks and actually time travels in order to make hockey games. His last minute winner against Barnes ("just bring me on and I'll get you a goal") is the stuff of legend. We're being really nice to him so when he's rich he'll buy us beers.

Radders is the veteran of the team and has survived despite his limited ability because he always does what his skipper tells him to (lesson to be learned here boys). Hugging the touchline like he's tied to the fence, I wouldn't change him for the world.

Matt added steel to our defence over the first half of the season but we didn't see much of him after Christmas. If he wasn't negiotiating a scree slope in the Highlands he was hurting his foot playing football. We hope that climbing the league table next year will be enough to keep him entertained.

Fumble has lacerated his knees and elbows from full length astro dives so often that he has to buy patches of skin from morgues and get James Russell to graft them on with No More Nails. You can see the joins if you look hard enough.

We don't know why Christ wore that pink arm warmer last year. Or why he bought that pink stick. Maybe he just likes pink. If he turns up with the Skoda painted pink then we might really start to worry.

Newer members of the club may wonder how Plums got his nickname. Well, every year he harvests the plum trees in his garden and makes the team some delicious jam. Nothing to do with testicles. No siree.

Corny talks. All the time. Very little of it makes sense and all of it is factually incorrect. I used to tell him to think before speaking but I had failed to realise he is incapable of abstract thought. We just have to accept that his mouth is hard-wired to his arse and learn to love him the way he is.

Waqas's stick moves so quickly that when he dribbles our entire team becomes hypnotised watching it. Then he loses the ball attempting a reverse stick shot and the oppo steam down the other end and score before we've snapped out of our trance. We can't remember half the goals we've conceded this season.

I find it very hard to tell the difference. I know one of them is capable of scoring amazing goals and the other can't hit a barn door. I know one of them runs great training sessions and the other sulks if one person complains that a drill is shit. Oh, and you never see them together. Very odd.

Burke-smash (verb)
1. To attempt to propel a plastic projectile a great distance with limited control by swinging the stick 720 degrees before making contact.
2. The word shouted immediately after the ball strikes an opponent/team mate/fence.

PSB is a new recruit but has impressed us all thus far having already scored and received a yellow card by the end of his second game. I sense comedy potential and I will update this profile as soon as he lets his guard slip. I'm watching you.

Just a warning Steve, my Dad noticed those moves you were putting on my Mum last week and he isn't happy. He may be short but he can be quite vicious. I'd watch out if I were you.